YouTuber Tana Mongeau is turning over a new leaf. The social media star just got real about her relationships, mental health issues, past drug abuse and family problems during a new tell-all video called “The Truth About Everything,” in an attempt to be more transparent with her fans.

“I started [my YouTube channel] based on honesty because I had nothing to lose. I wanted to die, I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t care what I shared with the world,” she admitted in the new video, which was posted on December 29, 2019. “I kept it 100 because I had nothing to lose and that’s what got me to where I am, that’s what inspired me to make a YouTube channel. I feel like in 2019, I got caught up in so many things that stepping out of the situation now, I wasn’t my full authentic self. I became someone, in a lot ways, that I hate. I think I’m at a point of my life now where I’m so angry at myself and the world. I feel like my body is like a cage and I’m on the inside screaming to let it out. All of the bad things that happened to me — I just feel defeated and I can’t do it anymore.”

As fans know, the blonde beauty got married to fellow YouTuber Jake Paul back in July, and the validity of their relationship has been questioned and scrutinized by numerous fans, viewers and news outlets.

“But it’s not just s**t to do with Jake either,” she explained. “It’s my family, it’s so many of the people I loved dying from drugs and me still taking them and hating myself for it. I feel the addictive tendencies I had as a 15 year old to drugs coming back. The reason I was doing it then was because it was the only reason to escape reality and that’s how I feel again. I’m scared of myself.”

Tana explained that her parents, Rick (who also goes by Cowboy) and Rebecca Mongeau, have contributed a lot to her problems.

“I make jokes about my f**ked up childhood but it was so f**ked up,” she said. “My childhood was so traumatic. I moved out at 16 and bottled everything up and I did drugs, so much drugs, to ease the pain and distract myself from the reality. I threw myself into the only thing I ever felt passionate about, the only thing that has ever saved my life, which is YouTube. And I just kept going, and going, and going and I never looked back and I’m coming to the realization that everything I’ve bottled up — the f**ked up relationships, the f**ked up things that people have done to me that you have no idea about, my family, the drugs, people I love dying — I’ve bottled all this s**t up and I just feel like it’s pouring out.”

“I don’t love my family and I don’t forgive them for all the terrible s**t they did to me. I’ve been trying so hard to fix it and address it because it’s been eating away at me and my family is just the worst. I flew my mom out here and I really tried to fix my family and it’s just being thrown in my face for the thousandth time that I’ll never be able to. I feel like I’m at this point where I want to never speak to my parents again because they’ll never understand how much they f**ked me up or just apologize or own up to it,” the influencer continued. “I realize that the love I never got from my family, I’ve looked for in the most wrong places my entire life. And I think a lot of those relationships really f**ked me up, and I just kept going and going and going, and I’m finally at a point where I need to start fixing this s**t because I just don’t wanna live.”

Tana Mongeau Parents

“It all just bottled and bottled and bottled, you know? I’m still looking for this love that I never had in all of the wrong places and I’m trying to heal whatever’s hurt me with something new always, instead of just sitting with myself and learning to love myself,” Tana added. “I wouldn’t change all of these things because everything that’s happened has taught me so many valuable lessons and it’s also like, I’ve had to learn everything from the real world cause I’ve never had parents to teach me any of this.”

But the social media star explained that despite all the bad things that have happened to her, she doesn’t regret anything.

“I think everything, including these periods of life, just makes you stronger and wiser. I’ve done so much in the past year and so much of it is so sick, so cool, and I’m very happy that this year happened, and it was amazing for my career,” she revealed. “It’s crazy that I look at 2019 as one of my best career years of my life. If you put it all into bullet points of all the things I did, you’d be like, ‘Wow that’s an amazing year,’ but mentally, I just feel the lowest I’ve ever felt. I wouldn’t change anything because I feel like I’ve learned more about myself this year than I have in my entire life, but this year is coming to a close and I’m just not happy.”

Tana also promised to be more true to herself next year.

“I really want 2020 to be the year of actual, real, authenticity — especially in the regards of mental health,” she concluded.

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